Dog Days of Winter

I found myself in tears this morning. I took an extra long bath so that I could cry it out. At one point, I wasn't sure which part of my warm bath water had run out of the faucet and which had run out from my eyes.

I take Dinky--my four-legged son--to the vet tomorrow. Over the past month or so he has graduated from dropping random clumps of hair onto the floor to scratching sores all over his body. To accompany these symptoms his nose has been drying up, he has lost quite a bit of weight, and although he seems better today, yesterday he was pretty lethargic and still. When I was speaking to the technician and booking the appointment, I explained these symptoms to her. I told her that he is about 12 years old and while it could be that his health is simply deteriorating I also think that he may be depressed. Over the past few months, not only has each of our lives changed dramatically, but so has Dinky's. He went from being the only dog on the block to having another dog in the house, not to mention a new baby and a very rambunctious 5-year-old. He went from getting pet and played with significantly each and every day to not getting played with at all, it seems. The technician agreed that Dinky being depressed is a great possibility but I still can't help but wonder in the back of my mind if this is it.

This morning, Ryleigh came up to me with a book that Caleb has about different kinds of dogs. It was literally dog-eared in several places and opened to a page describing pugs. Very matter-of-factly, Ryleigh asked, "Christy, when Dinky dies, can we get this dog?" It was like a punch in the stomach. I didn't take this comment very well and curtly snapped at her for talking about Dinky like that. She informed me that it was Caleb's idea to which I responded by taking the book from her hands and tossing it to Caleb telling him that what is going on with Dinky is not funny and that it is serious. I told him, probably louder than I had intended, that we would not be getting another dog if something happens to Dinky. He is irreplaceable.

Sitting in a tub of my own tears, partially because there is a real chance that tomorrow I may have to make a very grown-up decision about Dinky that I don't want to even think about and partially because I snapped at the kids, who innocently just have no comprehesion about this situation at all, especially Ryleigh, made me realize just how tough it is to be a parent sometimes. Being a parent means always remaining strong, even if your heart is breaking on the inside. That certain kinds of pain and adult issues in any household, whether they be financial or marital in thinking about Ryleigh's situation with her mom and dad, are to be shielded from kids as best as possible until they're old enough to fully understand.

The technician told me that because it has happened so suddenly there is a good chance that his problems are a result of all of the changes around Dinky and that his body might just be responding negatively to the stress and that he will be fine. Of course there is always the other possibility. Either way, I could have handled this situation better with the kids.

This reminds me of another time something like this happened and I was left having to tell Caleb, who at the time was knee-high to a grasshopper at the ripe young age of 5, that my grandfather had just passed away. I bent down to his level and prepared myself to tell him. I had to leave the room before being able to do so because I broke down in tears. After composing myself, I returned to tell him. I told him in the only way I knew how to tell a child about something like this, that Grandpa went to Heaven. He innocently responded, with more understanding than I ever expected from him, "I know someone else who died, Mr. Goodwin." Mr. Goodwin was my mom and dad's neighbor when I was growing up who had passed away a few months earlier.

I don't know what the magic formula is for handling such sensitive and sometimes tragic situations with your children. I'm not sure one exists. If you know of one, please let me know. All I keep thinking about it how I should have had my game face on this morning, despite all of my inner heartbreak, and how I failed miserably.